Words

If I die tomorrow, I just want you to know

How much you meant to me, how you changed my life, your jokes, your laugh,
The best years of my life was with you. I don't know how to express the joy that I find being near you but I know you brought meaning to my life. I planned my world around you. But now that you decided to stay away, I'm like a lost deer in the forest.

I hope all the best for you.

Reminder

Everytime I have to remind myself.

To give time,

to justify your actions,

to take the blame,

to be patient, and

to WAIT for you.

Ever thought what I felt doing all these?

After life

Ever wonder when your life goes up in smoke and you are still around? Well, go up in smoke too then..

Not a fighter, not a loser.

And it Hurts Just like that.

Disappointing Days

Rainbow doesn't appear everyday. Somedays it is just gloomy and moody. And those are the days where you wish someone is with you. Someone whom can lend their shoulders and someone can reach out to you.

But most of the time, it doesn't really happen that way. Everyone is so carried away with their lives. Maybe just that I failed to see that everyone have problems everyday and for them to lend their shoulders, I don't know?

They can entertain us up to the level where their are comfortable with. And doesn't mean if they entertain us, they are not sulking about their lives. They just make time to be there for you. And that is something I failed to understand until now.

The End

Few months ago, I was like an express train, chasing dreams. Excited over the new horizons, the new experiences, the freedom and most importantly the time of my life. An opportunity most could only dream of, something not taken for granted.

But today, here I am with so much anger, pain and misery. Everyone would have their downtime in their life. And I guess it is mine right now. Everything seems pointless, irrelevant. I wish I was tough as I thought I would be. My life isn't perfect as many thought it was. I fought for my dreams, my ambitions, my aspirations. I made it perfect trying to gather as many puzzle pieces I could.

When I'm almost completing the picture puzzle of my life, I aimlessly loosing each piece. Emotions, care, sentimental; something I left behind long time ago when I know it wasn't worth my energy.

I don't know how or why, the emotion side of my just bloomed and it was exceptionally beautiful. A pathway with rose petals. Something I couldn't resist letting go. As just I thought I would succeed with both balance, once again I'm lost in this mysterious world. I know I made a bad move to explore the horizons instead of enjoying my comfort zone.

Rationality isn't me. What did I do to portrait myself as being rational?

Everything I do and say, there must be reason behind it?

Why are there so many people expecting answer, actions, advice, justice from me?

Don't you see I'm just as vulnerable as everyone. I don't know where do I lay my head on as I am constantly lending my shoulder.

I'm not perfect. I do too make instant decisions. I'm sorry if it turned out bad. But I do too need to know what is right and what is wrong. I do too need to learn. Don't expect me to do everything right, as i'm not perfect. Once the mistake is done, I can try not to do it again. But the world is too quick to judge and loose the trust. It hurts me more than you think.

Somedays, I want to be loved, be cared, be pampered.

Sometimes I want to lay on the field, just watching at the beautiful sunshine while having a good conversation.

I'm not strong.

This is my weak link. These are the feelings and emotions that are draining my energy daily. It is difficult to let it go as you wanted it to. It has became a part of me. Losing it for the second time, it is just a calling for my life to go up in smoke.

Why is no one listening to silent screams?

My overdriven thoughts?

The fact of living it for the next few months scares me. I never felt so insecure. The urge to find immediate satisfaction are driving me nuts. I'm doing this I said I would never do before.

Puffing, drinking, pills and idiotic actions are becoming part of me. I couldn't resist as I could before. I am not sensible. Crossing roads blindly, walking in dark alleys, sitting on rooftops, strike conversations with a stranger in a bar are my instant excitements.

I don't want this to carry on. I hate it that I wake up in the middle of the night to nightmares and memories. I hate the fact that I am up every hour. I'm loosing my sleep, I'm loosing my sanity, I'm loosing the reason to do anything. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of this. I don't have the energy to carry on. Forgive me as I just opt out.

Cheers to the emotions and new horizons.
Never to see me again.