Few months ago, I was like an express train, chasing dreams. Excited over the new horizons, the new experiences, the freedom and most importantly the time of my life. An opportunity most could only dream of, something not taken for granted.
But today, here I am with so much anger, pain and misery. Everyone would have their downtime in their life. And I guess it is mine right now. Everything seems pointless, irrelevant. I wish I was tough as I thought I would be. My life isn't perfect as many thought it was. I fought for my dreams, my ambitions, my aspirations. I made it perfect trying to gather as many puzzle pieces I could.
When I'm almost completing the picture puzzle of my life, I aimlessly loosing each piece. Emotions, care, sentimental; something I left behind long time ago when I know it wasn't worth my energy.
I don't know how or why, the emotion side of my just bloomed and it was exceptionally beautiful. A pathway with rose petals. Something I couldn't resist letting go. As just I thought I would succeed with both balance, once again I'm lost in this mysterious world. I know I made a bad move to explore the horizons instead of enjoying my comfort zone.
Rationality isn't me. What did I do to portrait myself as being rational?
Everything I do and say, there must be reason behind it?
Why are there so many people expecting answer, actions, advice, justice from me?
Don't you see I'm just as vulnerable as everyone. I don't know where do I lay my head on as I am constantly lending my shoulder.
I'm not perfect. I do too make instant decisions. I'm sorry if it turned out bad. But I do too need to know what is right and what is wrong. I do too need to learn. Don't expect me to do everything right, as i'm not perfect. Once the mistake is done, I can try not to do it again. But the world is too quick to judge and loose the trust. It hurts me more than you think.
Somedays, I want to be loved, be cared, be pampered.
Sometimes I want to lay on the field, just watching at the beautiful sunshine while having a good conversation.
I'm not strong.
This is my weak link. These are the feelings and emotions that are draining my energy daily. It is difficult to let it go as you wanted it to. It has became a part of me. Losing it for the second time, it is just a calling for my life to go up in smoke.
Why is no one listening to silent screams?
My overdriven thoughts?
The fact of living it for the next few months scares me. I never felt so insecure. The urge to find immediate satisfaction are driving me nuts. I'm doing this I said I would never do before.
Puffing, drinking, pills and idiotic actions are becoming part of me. I couldn't resist as I could before. I am not sensible. Crossing roads blindly, walking in dark alleys, sitting on rooftops, strike conversations with a stranger in a bar are my instant excitements.
I don't want this to carry on. I hate it that I wake up in the middle of the night to nightmares and memories. I hate the fact that I am up every hour. I'm loosing my sleep, I'm loosing my sanity, I'm loosing the reason to do anything. I just want to sleep and never wake up. I'm so tired of this. I don't have the energy to carry on. Forgive me as I just opt out.
Cheers to the emotions and new horizons.
Never to see me again.
1 comment:
An opportunity craved by so many but avaiable to so few! Evidently u appreciate that very fact.
Why the resentment, anguish ...accept as another phase to adjust, adapt and move on.
Emotional ties are hard to hold on to, maintain and sustain...if the rel'ship was meant to be it will ....either in its current essence, changed essence or NOT AT ALL!
Allowing yourself to LOVE...is the very essence of living. There will be times the person(s) we chose to love may not be at the same page as you... it is U who decides to keep at it, acknowledge that it has to take on a different "page" or let it go altogather.
Never does one do something without reason...be it on a conscious or subconscious level. Questions come from self or those around...choose to answer or not...perrogative is yours; to stay true to yourself and your cause u will have to answer the Q(s) at some point!!!
U are being 2 hard on yourself...setting unreasonable expections that may not be that of family and frens.
LOVE and CARE comes in different forms..recognition of that L & C will be when u r ready.
Measures that u r taking to remedy the fear is making you take a walk on the wild side. Deep down you want and need help....u need to reach out. Sleep is escapism and sleeping forever is not an option THAT U WOULD TAKE...as you said so yourself.
As much as u want SOMEONE to MAKE IT ALL GOOD....U KNOW only u can do that. Trying ways and means is taking baby steps to say to I AM PRECIOUS and I WANT get on back to the High Road.
YOU is a FLUID entity...U will have to make the changes to adapt as u move thru all your experiences in Life (good / bad).
YOU WILL BE ALRIGHT! I PROMISE YOU! This too will Pass!
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